‘Pandemic’ is a word that everyone is familiar with nowadays. Have you ever thought that mental health issues have been a pandemic for many years even before the COVID-19?. ’yes!’ Irrespective of your age, gender, or place of living you are at risk of getting some kind of insult to your mental health. In 2019, approximately 19.86% of U.S. adults experienced a mental health condition. We can see more or less similar patterns in the rest of the world. Don’t forget! This is definitely on the rise!

The million-dollar question is how we are going to respond to it. I would like to start the topic by quoting a couple of Quran ayahs.

“Verily, we shall test you with fear, hunger, and loss of wealth, lives, and offspring. So give good news to those who are patient. Those who say, when inflicted by hardship, ‘Verily to Allah we belong, and verily to Him shall we return,’ upon them are Allah's blessings and His mercy. And they are the rightly guided.”

(Surah Al-Baqarah 2:155-157).

Remember, our children are tests for us, and the fear of them going astray is also a test for us; however, Allah has shown us the steps and ways to get through those tests, as he mentions in the following ayah.

“Verily, We created man from a drop of mingled sperm so that We may test him; and We granted him the ability to listen and observe. We have indeed shown him the way, so he (may choose to) be grateful or ungrateful.” 

(Surah Ad-Dahr 76:2-3)

Now, with the above front note, we shall dive deeper into the given topic.

An Arabian proverb says “He, who has health, has hope; and he who has hope, has everything.” But, what is health?  Health is defined as ‘’a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity” as per the World Health Organization (WHO). Therefore, good mental health is also an integral component of good health.

Media as a whole, social media in particular, bombardment of world news, isolation or loneliness, family structure, and experiences with other health conditions all could contribute to this issue. Unfortunately, children and teenagers are also not immune and they are also struggling like never before. One other factor that often contributes to their issues is excessive pressure from ‘well-intentioned’ parents. We want our children to be successful, but trying to push hard, may lead them to face serious negative consequences.

It is normal for anyone to expect their children to be the best. But, don’t forget, youngsters are particularly vulnerable to the detrimental effects of stress. It can affect their emotional state as well as physical health. Our idea of success may not align with our children’s goals or dreams; this is where the stress begins. Moreover, our expectations may also be greater than our child's current abilities. Please remember, there is a difference between having realistic expectations that moderate our children’s growth and hyper-realistic expectations that have more negative effects. Don’t forget, that our children are not only pressured by us, but they also have to face many other pressures such as peer pressure, societal pressure etc.

Parental pressure comes from a place of affection and concern. But remember our culture has an obsession with achievements, especially in developing countries like Sri Lanka, where children are compared even in their Kinder Garden. This obsession makes the parent lose their sight of what really matters for their children’s long-term happiness. Observing everything through the lens of achievement often leads to more harmful effects than doing any good.

Parental pressure could be direct pressure or indirect pressure. Direct pressure involves yelling, forcing, or complaining. Indirect pressure for example may be reminding them of rigid or unrealistic expectations. Whether it is direct or indirect, it has a strong emotional component. It is often related to:

• Performances especially the academic performance/ the grades the children get
• Extracurricular activities including sports
• Cultural or social standards, and behaviour in gatherings
• Appearance including the way the children dress
• Friendships, relationships with family members and romantic relationships

As parents, we tend to think we are correct and we expect our children to follow whatever we say. But we tend to forget that the definitions we have for happiness may not apply to our children. The first thing we have to fix in our mind is that our children are not just an extension of us; rather they are different human beings.

Unfortunately, we tend to think that our choice would make their life easier, especially when we see they struggle with something that came easily to us or when they make different life decisions than we did. Unknowingly we end up forcefully influencing or interfering with their ambitions. Whatever the motives, this kind of behaviour could be harmful to them and definitely will cause damage to the parent-child relationship.

We have to do some self-check once in a while. The following are some of the signs that may indicate we are pressuring our children.

• Criticizing or yelling at them frequently
• Setting goals and expectations without considering their views
• Inappropriate reaction to small mistakes and failures
• Withholding affection when they don't meet your standards
• Intervening in their problems unnecessarily

When these things happen, the children start to experience the effect of the pressure. You may be able to see some early signs which may indicate that the child is going through excessive pressure.

• Showing dislike or withdrawal from activities they used to enjoy
• Low mood or tearfulness most of the time
• Avoiding interactions with others
• Unexplained decline in their grades at school
• Angry and irritable 

If this continues or if it becomes excessive it would lead to many mental health consequences including the following.

• Anxiety and depression
• Eating disorders and body image issues. May even lead to gender dysphoria
• Mood swings and anger management problems
• Aggression and irritable
• Delinquency – may lead to major crimes in future
• Social withdrawal and trouble maintaining relationships

Using insults or critical language to interact with our children can lead to negative self-impression. You might see they start mentioning “I’m stupid,” “I’m fat,” or, “I’ll never do anything right.” Over time they get withdrawn from our attention and affection. We might not realize until it is too late. In surah luqman, Allah mentions a beautiful example and teaches us how we should address our children. 

Pointing out our children's mistakes or behaviours that bother us through criticism can make them defensive, which only continues the cycle that initially led to the criticism. Instead, we should focus on praising our children for their strengths and efforts. Praise has the potential to enhance their self-assurance and reinforce their belief in their abilities to succeed in their tasks. 

Research indicates children facing immense academic and social expectations suffer from emotional distress, often resulting in severe depression. As parents, we are the primary influencers on our children’s mental health and academic performance. If the children start to believe that their value is mainly determined by their performance and achievements, they will struggle when they find it difficult to reach the target determined by us. When we set goals or expectations, we have to be very cautious to make sure the goals are not hyper-realistic. Moreover, we should involve our children in setting up those goals. If not even if our intentions are positive, the pressure we impose can have negative repercussions on a child's emotional well-being.

Aiming for success is not bad, but we have to teach our children that ‘success’ doesn’t always mean that we have to defeat someone. Sometimes putting some effort it elf is success rather than the outcome. They should understand the concept of succeeding together as well. Explaining them the struggles and failures we went through and how we overcame them may help them to face these situations.

Many studies are showing that children are teased of their body habits or appearance, especially from their family members leading to eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa. This is true irrespective child’s age or gender. We would have just commented, but a small comment from us has the potential to cause immense pressure that ultimately could lead to the above disorders. No harm in advising them; but we should advise on a well-structured way to make it fruitful. Surah Luqman provides us with some beautiful examples by explaining how Luqman al Hakeem advised his child. 

Implementing self-care routines helps manage stress, enhances self-esteem, and supports overall mental health in children. When they prioritize their well-being, they are more equipped to face academic and social challenges effectively. The term ‘self-care’ has many aspects including dietary habits, exercises, leisure etc. However, we can’t just be authoritarian; rather we should try and be a role model.

Encouraging open dialogue is crucial. We should develop a relationship where our children can openly discuss anything with us. A very good example is mentioned in surah Yusuf where Yusuf (PBUH) describes his dream to his father. We have to try and build up this much trust which will enable them to articulate their thoughts confidently. Remember healthy communication involves not only speaking but also active listening. We should spend some time to understand and validate their thoughts, it encourages them to express themselves openly, leading to healthier emotional regulation and coping strategies. Parents who maintain frequent communication with their children can build a strong foundation of trust. This creates a positive environment for the child's long-term well-being. It will also foster a sense of support enabling children to thrive academically and socially.

There are several studies explaining the detrimental effect of parental pressure and how it can be avoided. The bottom lines of all these studies are creating a healthy relationship with children, effective communication, nurturing rather than dictating and being a role model. If you can imagine the early stage of Islam in Macca as a family, you can understand how Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) nurtured the society which was described as the worst society ever to make it the best society ever. The same principle should be applied to bring up our children.

The following are also important facts noted in various studies:

• Pressure can trigger anxiety and reduce intrinsic motivation, leading to burnout and mental health issues. In contrast, Frequent Encouragement and praise build self-esteem and motivation, crucial for academic and social success. 
• Pressure can lead to ineffective time management and vice versa. Teaching effective time management will enable them to balance academic responsibilities with leisure activities and intern will reduce feelings of overwhelm. 
• Interfering with their autonomy is also a kind of pressure which may lead to social withdrawal and also can cause a lack of self-esteem. Allowing children to make decisions, solve problems independently, and engage in age-appropriate responsibilities all are important to avoid this.
• Rather than applying our boundaries to them, we should teach them to set boundaries which will enable them to communicate their needs effectively, reducing stress from over-commitment. 
• Prioritizing academic achievement over emotional health is one other factor that causes immense pressure on our children. Balance approach is always encouraged.

You may ask, ‘Can I still have high expectations for my child without pressuring them?’

Definitely, yes! But the key is to communicate your expectations clearly and kindly, while also leaving room for your child's input and feelings. 

Finally, don’t forget the beautiful guidance given in the Quran. Allah is the creator, and the creator knows what is best for his creations. Science can change, and science can advance, but ultimately, it will prove what the Quran has said. Therefore, we should aim to get guidance from the Quran for each aspect of our lives. I believe every parent should at least read and reflect on Surah Yusuf and Surah Luqman regarding parental habits.